A Never Ending Journey

As most everyone knows, this coming Tuesday will mark a year since the passing of my younger brother, Zachary.  This year has been a year of learning, growing, and, most of all, healing.  I just want to share some of my experiences from the day it happened and throughout the year following.

I don't have words that can really describe the events of December 11, 2011.  I went to Church that day, already stressing about finals that were to start the next day.  As soon as I got home, my roommates and I planted ourselves in the living room to study for our finals.  Around 6:45 pm or so, I received a text that seemed strange and out of context, with the person kindly telling me they were there for me and praying for me.  Thinking that it had been meant for someone else, I chose to continue with my normal activities.  Then my older brother called me.  As soon I answered the phone, he asked me if I was okay.  Very confused, I said, "Yes...what's going on?"  He then changed the subject to our parents' Christmas presents.  After we hung up, I decided I needed to call my parents to figure out if something was going on.

I called the house phone about five minutes later.  My roommates and I were laughing about something when my mom picked up the phone.  After a few seconds of small chat, I asked, "So, is there something going on?  People keep calling and asking me if I'm okay."  She pulled away from the phone to talk to my dad, telling him that people were starting to call me and they had to tell me now.  Confused, I waited for her to come back to the phone.  She told me to sit down, and she had to tell me something.  Waiting for her to continue, my mind race through possibilities: my dog got hit by a car and died, grandpa died...then she told me, "Zach is dead."  My heart sank, my mind reeled, and my stomach twisted into a billion knots.  "What?"  She started to cry, and I just broke down completely.  My roommates all stared at me, wondering what was going on.  I told my mom I had to go, then I got up to run to the bathroom but only made it to the kitchen.  I collapsed on the floor, completely shattered and broken.

I don't know how much time passed, but it felt like hours.  People came and left our apartment, but everything seemed to be in a fog.  I wanted nothing but to go somewhere I could feel peace.  When my mind began to clear, I tried to focus on what I needed to do at that point.  I decided to call the professor I was working with--Dr. Nielson--to tell her I wouldn't be able to come to work.  As soon as she picked up the phone, she knew something was wrong.  After I told her, she asked for the names of all my professors and the departments they work in.  She told me that I needed to go home the next day.  Then my Bishop came over.  As I began talking with him, I felt something solidify in my mind and my heart, and I knew what it was--it was my testimony.  I felt it firm in my heart, and I knew what I needed to do.  I could not lose my faith in all of this.  I knew, in that moment, that my faith would keep me going.  I recalled a line from my patriarchal blessing that promised me that the Spirit of Elijah would keep my family together with "bonds of love stronger than the cords of death."  Everything I had learned came to me with such clarity that night.

The next morning, a friend and I went to the Temple.  Since that first day following, I have had many experiences where the Temple has brought me solace when I felt comfortless, peace when I needed an answer.  I am drawn to the Temple now, seeking the comfort within its walls and the promises the Lord gives us.  Over Thanksgiving break, I was able to enter the Temple to receive my endowment.  The experiences in the Temple have given me such comfort and reassurance that the Lord is fully aware of who we are, and He loves each of us individually and completely.

This past year has given me many other lessons.  I have learned of the power of prayer.  Nothing is quite as humbling as falling to your knees, pleading with the Lord to give you peace and comfort, offering up your whole heart to allow Him to take control and guide your path.  I have also learned that answers to our prayers will come, but they come when the Lord knows we are ready to receive them.  The Lord knows exactly what we need and when we need them.  Through many very sacred, tender experiences, I have come to know that my sweet younger brother is happy and doing what he has always loved doing--serving the Lord.

Perhaps one of the greatest lessons I have learned is that the power of the Atonement surpasses all aches, sorrows, and pain we experience.  I know that, for all of my family members, we have been able to find peace in the arms of our Savior.  I have felt His love through caring neighbors, friends, and family.  No act of love has been greater than the Savior giving up His own life so that we might know, through Him, all will be made as it should be in the end.  He has conquered death and entered into the Father's Kingdom, prepared to lead us into life eternal.

For those who never really got a chance to know Zach, I want to share just one experience I had with him before he died.  Back in October, he came up to Provo with my parents to visit.  Friday, following my class, I went to meet my mom and him at Jamba Juice in the Wilkinson center.  As soon as I walked in, I saw Zach standing around acting like he was trying to be a college kid.  I laughed to myself then walked up to try to give him our standard noogie greeting...to discover that he was almost my height, making a noogie almost impossible.  Settling for a hug, we all laughed and got our Jamba smoothies before sitting down at a table.  My mom and I were talking about school and other details of my life, when I had the idea come to my mind to ask if Zach wanted to go with me to the rest of my classes that day.  He was all for it when I asked, and I was excited to show my brother off to the students I worked with.  I had work the rest of the day, so he sat with me through class working on his homework while I took notes for the class.  After we finished the class, we went to set up my room for the review I was holding that afternoon.  During the review, Zach worked on homework on my laptop and would add snarky comments every so often--our typical banter.  It was so fun to have him there with me, seeing what I did all day.  Later, when talking with a friend who sat next to Zach at the review, she told me they had talked a little bit.  She had said, "I'm so nervous, I find out if I get into the nursing program right after this review."  Zach turned to her and said, "Well you know, my sister got into the nursing program.  She is really smart."

This experience is a sweet memory for me.  Zach and I had a very typical, playful sibling relationship.  I miss having him around when I go home for holidays--it was always so fun to walk in and have him be so excited to see me when I got home.  However, I look forward to the day when I will get to go to my Heavenly home and have him greet me when I see him.  I imagine the greeting will be much like ours when I would go home before he died--a sweet meeting, hugs shared, and maybe even a noogie or two.  I am grateful for all that I have learned in the past year and how I have been changed by this experience.  I wouldn't trade the knowledge I have gained for any of the things of this world.  I am truly grateful for the Gospel and the knowledge it has blessed me with.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone :)

One of Zach's favorite youtube video:

And, of course, the song that always reminds me of him:

With a Burning Brightness of Hope

Well, it's been a while since I have visited the blogging world, but sometimes life gives you more to share than you could ever express to just your journal.

General conference weekend is something that I have come to look forward to every 6 months.  This became even more true when my younger brother passed away.  There is nothing quite as healing as a spiritual "recharge" for a weekend.  The comfort that the Brethren can offer extends beyond any worldly comfort I could seek for.  I have gained a profound testimony of the mantle each of them wear as the men called to lead the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I know that they are inspired leaders and speak to us about what we need to hear.  I have two examples that I will share.

Back in the April 2012 conference, just 4 months after Zach passed away, President Henry B. Eyring gave a talk entitled "Mountains to Climb."  In it, he talked about the challenges that we face in mortality and how these challenges are used to teach us and the Lord guides us through the challenges.  The loss of a loved one is perhaps one of the hardest tests of mortality one can experience.  Sudden or expected, loss is loss and each individual is effected in some manner.  I have thought about the mountain I have been climbing.  The struggle to reach the top would be impossible without the Gospel.  I have been knocked to my knees asking for comfort more than a few times.  The beauty of the Atonement is that you don't have to endure pain or grief alone--there is Someone who knows our individual pain.  When the climb of the mountain has made me so tired that I didn't think I could walk one step further, I have felt the Savior lift me and carry me until I could stand on my feet once more.  As I listened to President Eyring's talk, I could not help but think of how faith in the Savior truly has been the one sure foundation that I could hold onto.  In all of the trials of life, no matter how big or small, we must learn to rely upon the Savior for our strength.  With Him on your side lifting you up, you can and will overcome everything.

This conference weekend I was searching for answers.  I thought about all of the different things that I had particular questions about and prayed for guidance about what questions to ask.  As I listened to the talks today, I realized that I had been searching for something that I didn't even realize was in my heart. A very unexpected talk was given today that I completely captured my attention and cast aside all of my minor worries.  It was a talk given by Elder Shayne Bowen of the Seventy.  In one of the first lines of his talk, he stated, "The Lord takes many away because they are too pure for this world and are saved from the influence of men."  As soon as he stated this, I (as expected) thought of my brother, Zach.  He was thirteen when he very unexpectedly left us in December 2011.  I listened to Elder Bowen's talk in complete rapture, feeling as though he had written the talk for my family.  He talked about how the feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair can be swallowed up in a fulness of joy that can be brought to pass by the wondrous Atonement.  He also stated that through sacred, personal experiences, Christ can give us a new heart and we can become a new person.  I have felt this change in my own life and am grateful every day for the family that raised me to help me come to know my Savior personally.  Although the death of my brother brought with it feelings of sorrow that filled my heart, I can say with a firm conviction that I know we are not alone on our journey in life.  I have come to know my Savior and Heavenly Father in a way that I could not have in any other experience of life.  I know They live and that They guide this church.  I know that through the good times and the hard times, we can reach out our hands and feel that the veil is not so thick that we are left alone.  Nothing and no one is as powerful as the Savior of mankind.  Of this I am sure.

As those of you who are listening to conference search for answers to the questions that are filling your mind, I pray that you find the comfort you need and feel of the Lord's love for you.  Never lose site of the hope that can come through the sweet peace of the Gospel--it is real, it is true, and it blesses the lives of all who seek the truth with an open heart.

My brother Zach and I in August 2010, dropping me off in Provo for my first semester at BYU

Big or Small, Change Always Occurs...

Change: a word that I have constantly shirked.  Maybe it has something to do with the many times my family moved around the country, but I have never been one to agree with change in my life.  I've always tended to resist the flow.  Sometimes, however, you have no control over that flow...

Two and a half months ago, the biggest change in my life occurred.  My younger brother, the baby of the family, died from a very sudden accident at the age of 13.  This singular event has altered me to the very core.  Right after it happened, I knew I had two choices.  The first of these was to go off the deep end and be completely justified because of the loss I had experienced.  I could be angry or bitter and nobody would blame me for my actions.  The second choice was completely the opposite.  This choice involved a complete reliance upon the One whom I could always rely on--the Savior, King of kings, Redeemer of my soul.

On the night of my brother's passing, I knew that there was no way I would ever consider the first choice.  I knew that road would only lead to misery and self-destruction.  The knowledge I have of the Gospel was my rock in that moment of pure mentally debilitating sadness.  As I considered the long road of healing that lay ahead of my family, I knew fear.  I knew that in order to overcome this, it would require complete faith and trust that healing would occur as we all relied upon the Savior.

To make a long story short, I have learned more over the past 2 and a half months about love, healing, reliance, family, and--most of all--the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  It has amazed me that my Heavenly Father has been there every step of the way.  He guides me, carries me, and uplifts me by granting peace and comfort that could come from no other source.  When I really learned about the way the Savior can help, I was given an analogy that went something like this:

The Master has two ways He can come to our aide.  When the storm rocked the ship and caused the passengers to cry out in angst, the Savior rose and calmed the storm raging around His disciples.  He calmed the raging waters, the howling wind, and the pouring rain.  That is one way He aides us.  The second way involves the raging storm around the ship as well--in this case, however, the Savior does not calm the storm.  What He never fails to do is to climb aboard the ship, wrap His arms around us, and hold close as the storm rages on.  He comforts us and protects us from the harm that can occur, but both storms can change us and transform us into who He sees in us if we rely upon Him and look to Him for comfort and counsel.

Change occurs in many forms--moving, family additions, illness, and perhaps the most fears is the death of a loved one.  Whenever these great changes occur, we will be presented with the same two choices I had when I lost my dear little brother.  My hope, through this post, is that I can influence more to make the second choice.  It is scary to rely upon pure faith and hope that what you have been taught is true, but I can promise you this--if you make the second choice, the Savior will never allow you to flounder.  He is always there, extending His arm of mercy to us.  As soon as we call out to Him, He wastes no time--He will always run to our aide.

Footprints in My Heart

In my life, I have been blessed with so many wonderful people who have touched my heart or contributed to who I am.  This post is dedicated to them.  There are so many that I could write about here, but there is one person that I want to focus on.

The first is a wonderful friend that I have recently reunited with.  Background story:  During my childhood years, my family did a lot of moving around.  At one point, when I was in first grade, we lived in North Salt Lake.  There I become best friends with a gal named Natalie.  We were inseparable!  Well, as the story goes, my family once again picked up its roots and planted them in North Carolina.  I was so sad to leave behind such a wonderful friend!  We wrote over the years and tried to keep up with each other, but it is very hard to stay in touch with friends--especially since we were six when we knew each other.  In sixth grade, my family moved to Provo and here I saw Natalie once!  She surprised me by showing up on my doorstep.  To my pre-teen self, that was the best thing that could happen.

Time goes on...and I haven't seen Natalie in what accumulated to 7 years.  Her dad was called as a mission president for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, so that took her out of the country for 3 years.  We wrote a few times, but once again, it was very hard to stay in touch.  Now we come to August 2010, and I am standing on the fields for New Student Orientation at BYU.  All of sudden, some random gorgeous girl is standing in front of me going, "Rachel?  Rachel.  Rachel!"  I stared at her, recognizing her face somewhat but not knowing who this random person was.  Then it clicked--it was grown-up Natalie!  I screamed then tackled her with a hug.  It is amazing--after 14 years, we were still overjoyed when we see each other.  We exchanged numbers then parted ways.

A few months go by and I would see Natalie randomly around campus.  Whenever we did see each other, we would plan to hang out--all those plans fell through.  And so another year goes by.

This past Monday, after having a somewhat difficult week, I came home from Family Home Evening with some neighbors and was ready to just crash.  I walked outside to get the mail when I noticed a paper taped to the door.  I see my name written on it so I grab it.  Who should it be from?  Natalie!  She had found where I was living and came by to see me.  She left her number on the paper, so I texted her right away.  We planned for lunch and ta-da!  We have now seen each other everyday since that lunch.  It is amazing how people can come and go in your life, but some people never really leave.  After 15 years of not really seeing each other or knowing what is happening in our lives, you would think that time would separate us.  This is not the case!  I feel as though that friendship we formed all those years ago has not only stayed in tact, but has enabled us to stay strong friends.  She truly is one of those people who has left footprints in my life because of her friendship.

It amazes me how Heavenly Father can guide people into my life.  I have become more and more aware of His Hands in my life, and I am grateful every day for that reassurance that our lives are in God's Hands.  He will never allow us to falter or fall.  He blesses us with angels in the form of lifelong friends and family.  He gives us all the help we need in all circumstances in life.  He truly is One that has left footprints in my heart.

Clinical...Work...Sleep?...Repeat!

Due to the lovely position I hold as a nursing student, I get the honorary privilege of getting up before the BCD (butt-crack of dawn) every Wednesday.  After doing this for a month, you would think it gets easier--unfortunately, it does not.  Waking up at 4 am is a whole new experience for this weathered night owl.  Anyways...I get up at 4 to be to the clinical site by 5:30am with all the other more than jovial nursing students (slight sarcasm on the jovial).  While talking to our clinical instructor, we all struggle to stay awake.  Then we are shipped to do whatever the day holds for us.

Today, however, had a fun little twist--I had my first experience with Isolation Precautions.  Whenever a client has contracted a highly infectious agent, you are required to suit up in "Personal Protective Equipment."  I have to admit, I have never felt more legitimate than when I suited up with all the jazzy looking precautionary gear.  Oh how wonderful it is to be a student nurse!

After spending a good hour and a half taking the vital signs of the residents, I helped one resident eat.  The client was full of good humor--I think my favorite joke they told was about a mouse.  Here's how the joke went:
Client: "I saw a mouse in my room the other day.  I'm pretty sure it was gay."
Me: "How'd you know the mouse was gay?"
Client: "Because it came out of the closet."
Oh how I love their humor!  They make early mornings seem not-so-bad.

After being at the clinical site until 11, I was back on campus to work.  Now here's the kicker--I'm a Chemistry TA for students in pre-nursing, pre-diatetics, and various other majors.  What do you think of when you think of those majors?  Yes.  A class full of girls...plus 5 boys.  You can imagine the amount of hormones surging from the girls along with the competition oozing from ALL of these students to do better than one another so that they can get into their prospective programs.  It is hard to handle so many people's emotions after being awake for so long.

Needless to say, Wednesday is perhaps the longest day of my weeks.  You would think that I would enjoy learning all of the wonderful nursing things...but it is rather difficult when you are aroused before reasonable people wake up.  I sure hope that this whole early thing will get easier when I get into the more active parts of nursing...MedSurg!

That awkward moment when you make your first blog post...

Being a first-time blogger, I'm quite at a loss as to what I should write.  I guess I will follow the example of the blogs that I have seen and just tell the very few followers a little bit about myself...

First off, I am a student of the College of Nursing at Brigham Young University.  (The answer to your question is yes--I am a Mormon.)  I'm in my second semester of the 6 semester program.  We have clinical in the nursing home this semester, and, I must say, that is not my dream job.  We'll figure that part out later...

I come from a family of 4 kids.  Being the third child (right smack in the middle if you consider the range of ages), I've experienced both the feelings of being the one to pester the older kids, as well as the privilege of being pestered by the youngest one.  You can imagine the many wrestling matches that have broken out between me and my brothers, especially being the girl right between them.

I currently live in the shabbiest yet most adorable little place in Provo, UT.  The toilets never stop running, and I have been attacked by the shower head many times when the pressure becomes too great for the little thing to take.  The kitchen once flooded from the downstairs shower, and the heater works whenever it feels merciful.  Other than that, I love the place.  I have 5 wonderful roommates who are the best friends you could ask for, and somehow, that makes all the appliance malfunctions totally worth it.

And tada, that is me!  Guess blogging wasn't so hard as I thought.