A Never Ending Journey

As most everyone knows, this coming Tuesday will mark a year since the passing of my younger brother, Zachary.  This year has been a year of learning, growing, and, most of all, healing.  I just want to share some of my experiences from the day it happened and throughout the year following.

I don't have words that can really describe the events of December 11, 2011.  I went to Church that day, already stressing about finals that were to start the next day.  As soon as I got home, my roommates and I planted ourselves in the living room to study for our finals.  Around 6:45 pm or so, I received a text that seemed strange and out of context, with the person kindly telling me they were there for me and praying for me.  Thinking that it had been meant for someone else, I chose to continue with my normal activities.  Then my older brother called me.  As soon I answered the phone, he asked me if I was okay.  Very confused, I said, "Yes...what's going on?"  He then changed the subject to our parents' Christmas presents.  After we hung up, I decided I needed to call my parents to figure out if something was going on.

I called the house phone about five minutes later.  My roommates and I were laughing about something when my mom picked up the phone.  After a few seconds of small chat, I asked, "So, is there something going on?  People keep calling and asking me if I'm okay."  She pulled away from the phone to talk to my dad, telling him that people were starting to call me and they had to tell me now.  Confused, I waited for her to come back to the phone.  She told me to sit down, and she had to tell me something.  Waiting for her to continue, my mind race through possibilities: my dog got hit by a car and died, grandpa died...then she told me, "Zach is dead."  My heart sank, my mind reeled, and my stomach twisted into a billion knots.  "What?"  She started to cry, and I just broke down completely.  My roommates all stared at me, wondering what was going on.  I told my mom I had to go, then I got up to run to the bathroom but only made it to the kitchen.  I collapsed on the floor, completely shattered and broken.

I don't know how much time passed, but it felt like hours.  People came and left our apartment, but everything seemed to be in a fog.  I wanted nothing but to go somewhere I could feel peace.  When my mind began to clear, I tried to focus on what I needed to do at that point.  I decided to call the professor I was working with--Dr. Nielson--to tell her I wouldn't be able to come to work.  As soon as she picked up the phone, she knew something was wrong.  After I told her, she asked for the names of all my professors and the departments they work in.  She told me that I needed to go home the next day.  Then my Bishop came over.  As I began talking with him, I felt something solidify in my mind and my heart, and I knew what it was--it was my testimony.  I felt it firm in my heart, and I knew what I needed to do.  I could not lose my faith in all of this.  I knew, in that moment, that my faith would keep me going.  I recalled a line from my patriarchal blessing that promised me that the Spirit of Elijah would keep my family together with "bonds of love stronger than the cords of death."  Everything I had learned came to me with such clarity that night.

The next morning, a friend and I went to the Temple.  Since that first day following, I have had many experiences where the Temple has brought me solace when I felt comfortless, peace when I needed an answer.  I am drawn to the Temple now, seeking the comfort within its walls and the promises the Lord gives us.  Over Thanksgiving break, I was able to enter the Temple to receive my endowment.  The experiences in the Temple have given me such comfort and reassurance that the Lord is fully aware of who we are, and He loves each of us individually and completely.

This past year has given me many other lessons.  I have learned of the power of prayer.  Nothing is quite as humbling as falling to your knees, pleading with the Lord to give you peace and comfort, offering up your whole heart to allow Him to take control and guide your path.  I have also learned that answers to our prayers will come, but they come when the Lord knows we are ready to receive them.  The Lord knows exactly what we need and when we need them.  Through many very sacred, tender experiences, I have come to know that my sweet younger brother is happy and doing what he has always loved doing--serving the Lord.

Perhaps one of the greatest lessons I have learned is that the power of the Atonement surpasses all aches, sorrows, and pain we experience.  I know that, for all of my family members, we have been able to find peace in the arms of our Savior.  I have felt His love through caring neighbors, friends, and family.  No act of love has been greater than the Savior giving up His own life so that we might know, through Him, all will be made as it should be in the end.  He has conquered death and entered into the Father's Kingdom, prepared to lead us into life eternal.

For those who never really got a chance to know Zach, I want to share just one experience I had with him before he died.  Back in October, he came up to Provo with my parents to visit.  Friday, following my class, I went to meet my mom and him at Jamba Juice in the Wilkinson center.  As soon as I walked in, I saw Zach standing around acting like he was trying to be a college kid.  I laughed to myself then walked up to try to give him our standard noogie greeting...to discover that he was almost my height, making a noogie almost impossible.  Settling for a hug, we all laughed and got our Jamba smoothies before sitting down at a table.  My mom and I were talking about school and other details of my life, when I had the idea come to my mind to ask if Zach wanted to go with me to the rest of my classes that day.  He was all for it when I asked, and I was excited to show my brother off to the students I worked with.  I had work the rest of the day, so he sat with me through class working on his homework while I took notes for the class.  After we finished the class, we went to set up my room for the review I was holding that afternoon.  During the review, Zach worked on homework on my laptop and would add snarky comments every so often--our typical banter.  It was so fun to have him there with me, seeing what I did all day.  Later, when talking with a friend who sat next to Zach at the review, she told me they had talked a little bit.  She had said, "I'm so nervous, I find out if I get into the nursing program right after this review."  Zach turned to her and said, "Well you know, my sister got into the nursing program.  She is really smart."

This experience is a sweet memory for me.  Zach and I had a very typical, playful sibling relationship.  I miss having him around when I go home for holidays--it was always so fun to walk in and have him be so excited to see me when I got home.  However, I look forward to the day when I will get to go to my Heavenly home and have him greet me when I see him.  I imagine the greeting will be much like ours when I would go home before he died--a sweet meeting, hugs shared, and maybe even a noogie or two.  I am grateful for all that I have learned in the past year and how I have been changed by this experience.  I wouldn't trade the knowledge I have gained for any of the things of this world.  I am truly grateful for the Gospel and the knowledge it has blessed me with.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone :)

One of Zach's favorite youtube video:

And, of course, the song that always reminds me of him: